I fear I might be boy crazy...

Look! I'm off to a good start eh? Two days in a row! I still have not resolved my Seth problem. Here's my current plan. I'm going to ask him to hang out tonight, via text message. He will. Then try my damn hardest to be platonic with him. He'll probably ask whats up, and we'll talk about it. We'll see how that goes. I hope I can stay strong! He can usually talk me into thinking things are OK. Damn men.

The real question is, do I go to his place, so I can leave whenever I want, or have him come to my place, and then make up some excuse when I want him to leave. I'm thinking my place. Something about my own turf makes me feel less vulnerable. Hopefully my roommate is around tonight. That always kills the mood. haha. Oh the silly games we play.

So even though it may SEEM like I just sit and obsess over Seth, I too have been dating a bit. And have some MAJOR crushes. Well one or two in particular. The first guy I major crushing over is named Darren and he is sooo cute. We sit next to each other in a class and we talk. But he really hasn't made any other moves on me too make me think he's interested in me. Thats what I'm waiting for. Ask me for my number! Ask me to do something this weekend! WHATEVER!! He is single, I actually confirmed this today, so that means my crush is now full on. I'll keep you updated on Darren, although I won't see him til monday. He seems like a good fit for me.

The other guy I really like is named Josh. We're dressing up as a couple for Halloween. It was his idea too. Adorable right? Kinda coupley thing to do though. He told me like two weeks ago he really liked me, and hasn't really had much progress since them. Ive been trying lately not to go after guys as much as I used to, but decided to let them chase me. Im not afraid of being forward, but these guys need to put in some effort too!

Anyway the problem with Josh is #1 I'm longtime friends with one of his roommates, one of them is my roommate ex, and the other is Josh's brother who i made out with in a drunken frenzy last year. Whoops. #2 I don't think he's really MY type. He's cute, he's sweet, a little shy... blah blah blah. This is the kinda guy I always go for because they seem safe. The sweet, shy type which is total opposite of me. Opposites may attract, but that doesn't mean that you are right for each other. Josh NEVER goes out, he'll party at his place if his roommates are having people over, but even then he's pretty quiet. I think I would prefer someone a bit more outgoing. Maybe I can get him out of his shell. We'll see.

I need to start writing in here again.

It's not that I forgot to write in this blog for 4 months! I'm not that neglectful of this blog! I started writing here to figure myself out, work through problems by writing them down. The last four months, I've either had WAYY to much drama going on that I didn't even wanna write about it, or I had NOTHING to write about except how happy I was with life. Uh... boring? But now I'm confused as hell again, and need to get my thoughts clear. Writing them here really helps. So I'm back, for now.

Well what's always been my main topic since I started this blog? Seth... duh! Well we were happily in a relationship until September. We had some great times. Then we broke up, this is were it gets complicated. Why we broke up isn't even the complicated part, although I can't give a concrete reason either. He's just not "the one." Heres my very very abbreviated version of the story...

We broke up. Then we hooked up (a few times), but not back together. Then he hooked up with someone else, and then me again. Then I found about it. I didn't appreciate that. We talked and decided (again) not to sleep with other people, only each other. But not back together. Does this make any sense? No? I didn't think so. So it appears we are back where we were 6 months ago. We watch movies, he takes me out to dinner, we sleep together.

I would be fine with this situation, if I trusted him. I don't. So I wanna stop this thing we got going on, but for some reason it's difficult. At first we were just trying to be friends, and then that kinda turned into more again. I still do wanna be friends, we can have fun together. But I don't know if we can spend time together, and not end up hooking up. He's a hard addiction to kick! So do I just abandon ship and end it all, friendship and everything... or... I don't know the alternative. Continue on the path we are going down right now? Not really what I want. Whatever I decide to do it will no doubt be tough. Loosing him as a friend would be hard, I truly care about him. What were doing now is tough, I don't trust him and it just ends up making me resent him more, so thats not a good choice. And trying to keep things completely platonic will just require a lot of will power on my part, which is something I don't think I have! Frustrating!