I need to start writing in here again.

It's not that I forgot to write in this blog for 4 months! I'm not that neglectful of this blog! I started writing here to figure myself out, work through problems by writing them down. The last four months, I've either had WAYY to much drama going on that I didn't even wanna write about it, or I had NOTHING to write about except how happy I was with life. Uh... boring? But now I'm confused as hell again, and need to get my thoughts clear. Writing them here really helps. So I'm back, for now.

Well what's always been my main topic since I started this blog? Seth... duh! Well we were happily in a relationship until September. We had some great times. Then we broke up, this is were it gets complicated. Why we broke up isn't even the complicated part, although I can't give a concrete reason either. He's just not "the one." Heres my very very abbreviated version of the story...

We broke up. Then we hooked up (a few times), but not back together. Then he hooked up with someone else, and then me again. Then I found about it. I didn't appreciate that. We talked and decided (again) not to sleep with other people, only each other. But not back together. Does this make any sense? No? I didn't think so. So it appears we are back where we were 6 months ago. We watch movies, he takes me out to dinner, we sleep together.

I would be fine with this situation, if I trusted him. I don't. So I wanna stop this thing we got going on, but for some reason it's difficult. At first we were just trying to be friends, and then that kinda turned into more again. I still do wanna be friends, we can have fun together. But I don't know if we can spend time together, and not end up hooking up. He's a hard addiction to kick! So do I just abandon ship and end it all, friendship and everything... or... I don't know the alternative. Continue on the path we are going down right now? Not really what I want. Whatever I decide to do it will no doubt be tough. Loosing him as a friend would be hard, I truly care about him. What were doing now is tough, I don't trust him and it just ends up making me resent him more, so thats not a good choice. And trying to keep things completely platonic will just require a lot of will power on my part, which is something I don't think I have! Frustrating!