I fear I might be boy crazy...

Look! I'm off to a good start eh? Two days in a row! I still have not resolved my Seth problem. Here's my current plan. I'm going to ask him to hang out tonight, via text message. He will. Then try my damn hardest to be platonic with him. He'll probably ask whats up, and we'll talk about it. We'll see how that goes. I hope I can stay strong! He can usually talk me into thinking things are OK. Damn men.

The real question is, do I go to his place, so I can leave whenever I want, or have him come to my place, and then make up some excuse when I want him to leave. I'm thinking my place. Something about my own turf makes me feel less vulnerable. Hopefully my roommate is around tonight. That always kills the mood. haha. Oh the silly games we play.

So even though it may SEEM like I just sit and obsess over Seth, I too have been dating a bit. And have some MAJOR crushes. Well one or two in particular. The first guy I major crushing over is named Darren and he is sooo cute. We sit next to each other in a class and we talk. But he really hasn't made any other moves on me too make me think he's interested in me. Thats what I'm waiting for. Ask me for my number! Ask me to do something this weekend! WHATEVER!! He is single, I actually confirmed this today, so that means my crush is now full on. I'll keep you updated on Darren, although I won't see him til monday. He seems like a good fit for me.

The other guy I really like is named Josh. We're dressing up as a couple for Halloween. It was his idea too. Adorable right? Kinda coupley thing to do though. He told me like two weeks ago he really liked me, and hasn't really had much progress since them. Ive been trying lately not to go after guys as much as I used to, but decided to let them chase me. Im not afraid of being forward, but these guys need to put in some effort too!

Anyway the problem with Josh is #1 I'm longtime friends with one of his roommates, one of them is my roommate ex, and the other is Josh's brother who i made out with in a drunken frenzy last year. Whoops. #2 I don't think he's really MY type. He's cute, he's sweet, a little shy... blah blah blah. This is the kinda guy I always go for because they seem safe. The sweet, shy type which is total opposite of me. Opposites may attract, but that doesn't mean that you are right for each other. Josh NEVER goes out, he'll party at his place if his roommates are having people over, but even then he's pretty quiet. I think I would prefer someone a bit more outgoing. Maybe I can get him out of his shell. We'll see.

I need to start writing in here again.

It's not that I forgot to write in this blog for 4 months! I'm not that neglectful of this blog! I started writing here to figure myself out, work through problems by writing them down. The last four months, I've either had WAYY to much drama going on that I didn't even wanna write about it, or I had NOTHING to write about except how happy I was with life. Uh... boring? But now I'm confused as hell again, and need to get my thoughts clear. Writing them here really helps. So I'm back, for now.

Well what's always been my main topic since I started this blog? Seth... duh! Well we were happily in a relationship until September. We had some great times. Then we broke up, this is were it gets complicated. Why we broke up isn't even the complicated part, although I can't give a concrete reason either. He's just not "the one." Heres my very very abbreviated version of the story...

We broke up. Then we hooked up (a few times), but not back together. Then he hooked up with someone else, and then me again. Then I found about it. I didn't appreciate that. We talked and decided (again) not to sleep with other people, only each other. But not back together. Does this make any sense? No? I didn't think so. So it appears we are back where we were 6 months ago. We watch movies, he takes me out to dinner, we sleep together.

I would be fine with this situation, if I trusted him. I don't. So I wanna stop this thing we got going on, but for some reason it's difficult. At first we were just trying to be friends, and then that kinda turned into more again. I still do wanna be friends, we can have fun together. But I don't know if we can spend time together, and not end up hooking up. He's a hard addiction to kick! So do I just abandon ship and end it all, friendship and everything... or... I don't know the alternative. Continue on the path we are going down right now? Not really what I want. Whatever I decide to do it will no doubt be tough. Loosing him as a friend would be hard, I truly care about him. What were doing now is tough, I don't trust him and it just ends up making me resent him more, so thats not a good choice. And trying to keep things completely platonic will just require a lot of will power on my part, which is something I don't think I have! Frustrating!

Looks like it's time for my bi-monthly blog!

I'm officially horrible at keeping up. I realize this. I've known for a few months now. But dammit I'm going to keep trying to change!

Seth has been gone for 2 weeks now, coming home in about a week and a half! I miss him a lot! And that's all I'll write about him in this whole post! Yay! Oh, and the friend he is staying with told me since he's been visiting, he's been talking about me constantly, which made me smile. He misses me :) K done for real now.

Things are still weird with Kat. She's pissed at me because I don't like her boyfriend, and I won't do favors for him. He is a complete ass, and I don't have to like him! I should be mad at her for dating someone who is a such a jerk, not just to her, but to all her friends (including me). She shouldn't want to date someone who is so disrespectful to her friends. Jonah has people over at his house like 5 nights a week, and Kat's boyfriend often comes along. But once when he had a party, Jonah was specifically not invited, and everyone of our other friends was. Then 2 days later, her boyfriend was right back hanging out at Jonah's, drinking his beer. Wtf? He calls all of Kat's girl friends (including me again) bitches to our faces. And he's an even bigger ass to Kat! I don't get why she stays with him. She's a cute girl, and he is an asshole, and far far from attractive. Even Kat will admit that. He's got a big nose and a receding hairline. She's alienated so many friends because of him. No one wants him around, and she always brings him when we invite her places, so we've stopped inviting her unless we know the bf is at work. We've been friends for 11 years now, and I hate growing apart!

On another note, Wade is a great friend!!! The other night none of my other friends were doing anything, so I had no plans. He decided to not go to a birthday party because I didn't know the person and didn't want to go, and he didn't want me to be bored! So we watched sex and the city reruns (he's straight I swear!) and now today we are going to see the Sex and the City movie! I told him I really wanted to see it, but none of my friends really watched the show like I did so I had no one to see it with. He doesn't even like the show, but he said he would take me since I really wanted too. I said I would pay for it, but he said no, and we fought over it for a few minutes. I finally gave in a said he could pay for it if he wanted. Ha.

Shit! I suck! I always forget to write blogs. Hah whenever I actually think "I should write a blog," I'm usually drunk and have work in the morning, and decide I should probably try to get at least like 5 hours of sleep. But right now I'm sober and waiting for Jonah to get off work, so yay blogging!!

Today is a sad day! I dropped Seth off at the airport this afternoon. He's going out of the country to stay with a friend. The super sucky part is he'll be gone for 3 1/2 weeks. He'll be back on July 10th. And I'm not sure what my work schedule will be like around that time, so I might not even get to spend much time with him right away, since I'll wanna go down and stay with him if I have a few days off. I went back down to my college town last week for like 3 days. I planned on hanging out with a few friends over the time I was there... but ended up blowing most of them off to spend more time with Seth. I'm a bad friend huh? I actually only hung out with 1 friend the whole time I was there. I'm lame!


P.S. I got a new car!!! Finally!!!! So excited!! BUT FUCKING GAS PRICES KEEP BRINGING ME DOWN!!! You're breakin' my balls gas!!!!!

Friends are confusing people

I'm excited! I'm meeting Jonah's boyfriend for the first time today! I don't know why I'm so excited though. I'm sure if he was dating a girl, I would not be all that excited to meet her. It would be more like, "Oh cool some chick, awesome." Maybe it's the fact that this is the first boyfriend of his that I actually get to meet, or even really know about. Can't wait though! Jonah was so excited when he found out his beau (Jake is his name) was coming. I love seeing him so happy! He acts so in love when he talks about Jake, the are always on the phone together, and never has anything but good things to say about him, and how much he misses him. Although I'm confused because last week I walked in on him making out with this girl we know. Very confusing. ?????

On another topic, things have been weird with Kat lately. She's been home from college for about a week, and so far I have seen her once, and it was like for 20 minutes and then she left. To hang out with her boyfriend I think. But its not like this is a new relationship, they have been together for about 2 years, and she's usually pretty good about balancing her time between friends and her boyfriend. Jared and Jonah seem to think she's lost maturity over the last year and is letting her boyfriend control her more. She also sent Jonah a text that said "You're a pimp, but you don't have the shit to back it up," and neither Jonah nor I can figure out exactly what that means. Any ideas? I'm kinda worrying about her strange behavior lately, and hows she alienating friends, including me! I'll always be her friend, but she's less desirable to actually spend lot of time with lately. The boys wont even answer her call/texts a lot of the time. But me and Kat are going shopping in about 2 hours, so hopefully I can figure out whats going on, and tell her whats up.

P.S.- Jared finally met Seth and was actually nice to him, and has since stopped giving me shit about it. But it's only been like 3 days so we'll have to wait and see.

Aged to Perfection

One thing I think I have failed to mention in the blog is the fact that Seth is 25. I'm 19. There has been mixed opinions among my friends if this is O.K. or not. When I first met him, I asked my best friend Kat "How old is too old for me?" She didn't know I had met someone new yet, but when I asked this she knew I did. She said as long as they are under 30 its fine. All the girls I'm friends with seem to think that me dating a 25 year old is totally fine, even a good thing.

But my guy friends were less enthused, especially one friend Jared. He's overprotective of me, and says 25 is WAYYYYY to old. 21 would probably be pushing it in his book. Which is crazy because when he was 18, he dated a 15 year old. Anyway Jared doesn't approve of our relationship, and he hasn't even met Seth yet.

Anyway, Seth came over to my house last night.(yay!! It had been a week since I saw him and was starting to really miss him!) He met my mom. Ahhhhh! I was not as excited for them to meet as he was. He didn't come over specifically to meet my parents so when he got there I was ready to leave and not have them meet. He wanted to.

After he left of course my mom started asking questions. One of the first ones being "How old is he." Surprisingly after I reluctantly told her, she was cool with it. I thought she would freak out for sure. Then she said he seemed really sweet and was cute. I hadn't said anything about Seth to my mom yet, because I thought she would care more about the age difference, so it feels kinda good that now she knows about him.

I personally enjoy dating older. Seth has a full time job, and has already experienced the college life, so he is more ready to have an actual relationship than most college guys. But at the same time he still lives in a college town, and like to go to parties and bars on the weekends. Plus, I get to make fun of him for being a senior citizen, and ask him if we need to go deposit his social security check. Ha.

Shay's Friend Refrence Guide

I realized I talk about a lot of my friends without giving much description of them so I will do that now. In alphabetical order. This will probably be a long list, with updates when necessary.

Al (25)- My neighbor in my apartment sophomore year of college, had a major crush on me, and we used to drink about 5 nights a week. It seems like he is always getting in trouble with the law!!

Blaine (22)- Another creepster neighbor I had sophomore year. He would confess his love for me through angry drunken text messages. Wonderful neighbors I had.

Bree (20)- My roommate sophomore year of college. Not the best roommate I have ever had. She is fun to party with, but doesn't pay her rent and borrows whatever the hell she feels like borrowing from me. I've seen her do coke at parties, so that's probably where she blows the money she should be spending on rent.

Brigit (20)- A friend from high school. She sends the most random pointless texts ever, and is what I consider the comic relief in my life story! Just think you're stereotypical "dumb blond"

Jared (22)- A close friend of mine from high school. We used to be really really close, together all the time, but have recently started growing apart, although we are still friends at the end of the day. He is very overprotective of me, and doesn't approve of Seth, although he has never met him.

Jess (24)- My sister. She's 24 and now that we are getting older we are getting closer. She is recently engaged and getting married in June 2009.

Joel (20)- He was my first real serious boyfriend, when I was in 10th grade. We dated for over a year, and he was absolutely my first love. I still care about him a lot, and we talk all the time. He lives out of state though. My mom still believes I will end up with him one day. He talks about our marriage plans too. Hah.

Jonah (20)- Close friend from high school. Last spring break he came out to me, even though we all had it figured out already. But I was glad he felt he trusted me enough to be the first one he told. He's notorious for being hard to get a hold of and randomly disappearing all the time. His house is much like Eric Foreman's basement for us.

Kat (20)- My best friend. We met in 4th grade when she moved in 3 houses away from me, and we are still best friends. In the ten years we have been friends, we have never even been in a fight. She goes to a college that is only about 15 minutes away from the one I go to, so I get to see her a lot, thank god.

Keri (20)- Another close friend of mine who lived on the same street as me growing up. We go to the same college, and she's one of my current roommates. LOVE LOVE LOVE her!!!

Marie (21)- Another very close friend of mine from high school. She has an apartment in my hometown, so I really only see her when I'm staying at my parents. She is insane, in a good way.

Mason (21)- The guy I dated on and off all of Freshman year of college. We were extremely close though while dating, he was my first and best friend at college at the time. We just get each other. Now we are just friends, and we don't see each other that often. There is still some sexual tension in the friendship and we always end up hooking up again.

Megan (20)- My other roommate. She's alright. I wish she would hang out with me and Keri more though.

Ray (21)-another friend from back home, a lot of people think he's kind of shy, but he's not around me and he and I are very close.

Seth (25)- My current on/off kinda ex-boyfriend. Confused? ha. We met in late January 2008, and had our first date the day after we met. I met him at college, although he's 25 and graduated in 2007. He lives permanently in my college town.

Wade (20)- We dated for 2 years in high school, and even decided to go to college together. Then we broke up at the beginning of college. We got back together for a while spring semester of freshman year, but it just doesn't work between us. He now lives across the street from me, and we hang out a couple of times a week. He's one of my closest friends, and a person I can really trust and confide in.

Oh man, its been a month!?

Damn, almost a month since my last post! Fucking finals! I had about 6 papers to write, no fun at all. Now I am officially living at home for the summer. I moved back on Saturday evening. Starting my long long summer away from Seth. Luckily for you it's only been like 3 days since I've seen him last, so I don't miss him too much yet, and won't yammer on and on about it. I might be seeing him on Thursday anyway, since he has to drive through this area he might stop by. My friends and I are also planning our yearly week long trip to my friend Marie's cabin. It's my favorite week of the year. And Seth will be joining us this year! Yay for Boyfriend/Friend bonding!!

Oh, and remember Al? My neighbor? He just got his 4th dwi, and is now going to prison for 4 years. Damn. What a catch. Maybe I should have dated him when I got the chance. Not.

Although I am sad because he was sure as hell fun to party with, and always got me into the bars, even though I'm not 21, and don't have a fake. He wouldn't have been my neighbor anyway, because I'm moving next year with 2 friends that I'm pretty sure I'll like living with a lot more than my current roommate Bree. She's fun to party with, but not such a good roommate. These other two girls are pretty clean though, and I'm afraid I'll be the messy one. Their names are Megan and Keri. Megan and I lived together in the dorms freshman year, and got a long great so I know I can live with her. And me and Keri have been friends since elementary school, so next year should be all time.

A few days before I moved out, my ex Mason came over to pick up some stuff he had left at my apartment, and I had been dreading having him stop over. It sounds crazy, but even though I don't have romantic feelings for him anymore, we have great sexual chemistry, and I was doubting my resisting abilities. Every time we hang out since our break up, it leads to us hooking up. He always initiates, but for me he is hard to resist, and I'm not sure why. It's not a looks thing, or that he is even all that charming. He's a great kisser though, and great at everything else. Once he touches me I feel powerless.

So when he came over I knew what he was expecting. So I gave him his things and then he asked for a hug. Harmless right? We're still friends, so I hugged him. Once I pulled away a little bit, he went in for the kiss. Thinking as fast as I turned my head and he ended up kissing my ear??? It was weird, and he asked what was wrong. I told him I was dating someone and Mason seemed surprised I wasn't going to go for it with him anyway. After that he pretty much bolted for the door as we said some awkward goodbyes. About a half hour after he left he texted me "I'm proud of you." I asked him what he meant, and all he said was "You're a good person."

So thats been the highlights of the last few weeks, I'm sure there is much more, but I don't wanna make this too long. I'll try to keep up more.

Peace!
Shay

MUSHY POST ALERT!!!!!!!!!

Last night with Seth was amazing!!! He's done a complete 180, from distant and emotionally guarded, to sweet, warm, and passionate. Me gusta!!! It sounds pretty pathetic, but I think last night was the first time he has actually held my hand or put his arms around me when when were out in public. Which makes me happy because to me the gesture says that he actually cares about me, instead of me just being the girl he calls up when hes bored and lonely. When we were back at his apartment, the way he held me was just different than it had been before. It felt meaningful, closer, tighter. He called into work sick this morning so he could spend the day with me since I'm going back to my parents house this weekend. I don't understand why it took three months to get him to come around, but right now I'm really glad I decided to wait for him to get there!

Are you vomiting from the mushiness yet??

Well now I'm heading home for the weekend, catch up with high school friends and what not. I can't wait to see my cute little kitty! My apologies on the overly upbeat tone of this post. There is one thing that may or may not bother me about Seth... but I have yet to decide, and I'll post about it later.

I hate creepster neighbors

Al's obsession I fear is getting into the regions of "too far." He has texted me every night this week, always something along the lines of "You should come over and hang out" and offers to give me a bunch of free alcohol. I am much to smart to fall for this trick. And then when I say I'm busy with something else, homework or with other friends he acts like he's all hurt and offended. Puh-leeeze give it a rest. We have really only been friends for a month or so? Hah he texted me the other night "So I blew it huh? Fast track to friend status." I wasn't sure what he thought he did, but the way my friend Kat put it "better him think he did something wrong than know that you think he is ugly as hell." I don't know if I should pull the boyfriend card out to get him to back off, since I'm not 100% sure I have a boyfriend or not.

Me and Seth once drunkenly discussed being exclusive to each other, and we agreed on it, but I'm not sure if it counts or not. I don't care though, I really don't like labels anyway. And now that things are going better with us I'm not really interesting in dating anyone else, and I know he isn't either. That's enough of a commitment for me. :)

I have been thinking a lot about what will happen to us this summer though. I'm moving back home to my parents house for the summer, and he's staying here (my college town). The town I'm originally from is only about an hour away, and I will still be paying rent on my apartment, so visits aren't impossible. But I already have a job lined up back home, and I don't know how much time I'll get off. I also need a car, but I'm shopping around right now and should find one within the next month (hopefully). I'm done with school in three weeks, so my time with him is becoming more and more limited, and it's making my summer seem like it might be bittersweet. Well we're going out tonight, and I guess I'll just have to appreciate the now.

I should drink less...

So after ignoring Seth (the guy who I said was so "busy" all the time) for about a week or so, I finally gave in and answered one of his text. It's so funny how guys, or people in general I suppose, only want what is hard to obtain. We've hung out 4 out of the last 5 days. Suddenly, he's not too busy for me anymore. Despite him working for 60 hours this week, he still has time for me. It's great that I feel like I'm finally a factor in his life, that he wants to spend his spare time with me.

But unfortunately last night my neighbor Al (Ooo side story!!*) was pushing the jag bombs on me really hard, and I was pretty buzzed. Then I went to my friend Keri's who has a hot tub, and invited Seth to come over. He came over and things were fine, until I got even MORE drunk off a bunch of wine, and now my memory is pretty fuzzy of the events of the end of the night. I don't like getting really drunk around guys I want to date, most people don't find a drunk ass attractive. And the chances that I made an ass out of myself or was just all around annoying are high. God, I hope I didn't mess things up again, and have to ignore him for another week or two. I REALLY like having him around :).

Update: OH Thank god. Seth is at work right now, so I texted him "Sorry if I was annoying at all last night" and he said I wasn't!!!! Saved. But from now on I should maybe try to keep my tendency to get embarrassingly drunk on the DL while he's around.

*Side story!!! My neighbor Al and I get along really well and I like partying with him! Now he ruined it by asking me out on a date. It makes things awkward, there is NO way he is my type and call me shallow I don't care, but I know I am much higher than him on the scale of attractiveness. My other neighbor Blaine did this to me too. I don't understand why when I'm friends with a guy, they all think they can get with me. Plus it makes the friendship uncomfortable.

I can never think of good titles....

Well I've had a drink or two tonight, so bare with me. Today is day number 2 with no contact from Busy Man, but in all fairness I told him I wouldn't be free until this weekend, which was a complete lie of course. He could still call to check in on me though, not so hard right? Pssht whatever though. Got yet ANOTHER date set up this morning, with a foreigner might I add. Accent and all. Although he has no U.S. drivers license, and I don't have a car... so we'll see how this turns out. I heard he is quiet the playboy around campus though, so I think there will be a first date only. But as of now, I'm up for dating pretty much anyone once! I figure it can't hurt. I just hope he's not too aggressive and makes things awkward. I can definitely avoid unwanted passes, but it always makes things weird later. And I'm friends with all his frat brothers, and I know word will get around about anything and everything that happens, so I would like to keep my dignity intact.

I didn't get to play any April fools jokes on anyone today, which is a bummer. But no one got me either. I was going to call my sister up, shes super gullible. But I never got the chance. Maybe I'll play a late one on her, just for fun. As long as it's during the month of April right? Anyone else play any great tricks on anyone today?

Time to move on?

I've been unofficially dating this guy since late January, and I'm finally starting to get a little fed up with the way this "relationship" (if you can even call it that) is going. I think I'm about ready to finally throw in the towel. I don't feel like answering his next call or text. Which is something I've never done with a guy, just cut them off completely. But for some reason that's what I feel like doing. I'll most likely give in eventually.

So we've been seeing each other since January, and at first he had some major drama going on in his life, so I tried to give him space and all that jazz. Now its been 2 months, and all that is cleared up. But yet I still only see him once a week. Twice if I'm lucky. I understand he has a pretty busy schedule, but I think after two months I deserve a little more attention, don't you? I actually got much more when we first started dating. He also likes to call me when he's drunk, which was kinda cute at first, but now I'm sick of him only wanting to call me at 2 am. So I'm officially moving on. Although we never had "the talk" and decided to be exclusive, I really haven't dated anyone else since we started dating. But now I have decided to actively start dating. My neighbors friend has been asking me out for weeks and keep putting him off, and my friend's cousin was coming on STRONG to me last Saturday night. I realized I avoid even first dates with guys, and I'm really picky with who I would even consider dating, but it might be time to loosen up. Neither of those guys are super Casanovas but they deserve a chance right? And it will help keep my mind off "busy boy." Until he can give me the attention I deserve, I guess I'll just have to get it from other guys.

Getting to Know the Inner Me

I doubt I’ll be a very interesting “blogger“, but that wont stop me from doing it anyway. This is my way of (hopefully) releasing worries and gaining perspective. This is awkward to explain to no one, so I’ll just plunge right in instead.

I’m home for the weekend from college, got together with friends at a diner tonight, and nothing to interesting happened. But I wanted to get this blog going before I had something big to write about. I need to get comfortable with this first. It’ll come. It’s only Friday, but I’m already dreading Monday. Pathetic. I don’t want to leave my friends again. Sure, I have friends at college, but the bonds aren’t nearly as close as the ones I have with people I’ve known since elementary school. I wish I could have them around at school. Instead I just have drinking buddies. We have a good time, but never just sit around and talk for hours. I love that.